we have all spent hours watching pretty little liars, and i feel like some of us wish we had a group as tight-knit as spencer, aria, hanna, and emily. their loyalty is literally UNMATCHED. the amount of trauma they shared, they went through the actual TRENCHES together—dollhouses, “a” messages, and endless secrets—and they never truly broke. and if you’ve seen the end of the series, they all kept in-touch as friends. but if we’re being realistic, rosewood was also filled with people who weren’t so great. for every ride-or-die friend, there was a mona (at her worst), a jenna, or an “a” hiding in plain sight.

and yes, each of the girls shared their own secrets. and in the real word, we might not be dodging masked villains, but we definitely deal with “energy vampires,” fake friends, and people who only want to be around us when things are going OR the opposite to see us fail. that is why today, we’re doing a COMPLETE friendship audit.

i feel like this is an important topic. friendships are VERY important relationships in life. and it isn’t as talked about compared to romantic relationships. come back to this guide whenever you feel like you need peace, or if you feel like negativity is stemming from who you surround yourself with in life.

~ ♡ why we audit ♡ ~

in pll, “a” was always watching, waiting for a moment of weakness to tear the girls apart. in our lives, “a” isn’t a person in a black hoodie. “a” represents the subtle toxicity that drains our energy and stops us from being our best selves.

• every person in your life is either giving you energy or taking it away. think about the last time you hung out with your main group. did you leave feeling inspired + happy, like hanna after a shopping spree? or did you leave feeling drained and judged? if you are constantly exhausted after seeing someone, that is a literal red flag.
  • tips:
    • think of the last 3 interactions you’ve had with this person, or group. Did you feel lighter or heavier afterward?
    • did you feel energized or vaguely drained?
• pretty little liar friendships translations:
  • aria-coded friendships: feel warm, expressive, a nourishes your creativity
  • spencer-coded friendships: stimulate your mind without making you feel inferior
  • emily-coded friendships: feel safe, steady, and emotionally sincere
  • hanna-coded friendships: uplift you without making you the punchline
• some friends only like you when you are at their level (OR below it). if you start getting better grades, dressing better, or working on your goals, they start making “jokes” or being passive-aggressive, they’re holding you back. a real friend would push you to be better, NEVER pull you down.
• could you tell this person a secret and know it wouldn’t end up on a group chat? if there is even a 1% doubt, they aren’t in your inner circle. trust is the foundation of everything, i promise.

~ ♡ identifying the warning signs ♡ ~

we need to be able to spot the warning signs before we get too deep. i list some red flags you need to look for during your audit.

• red flag 1: they’re super sweet to your face, but you hear others that they talk about you behind your back. they want to be you, so they try to undermine you. (this is basically mona)
• red flag 2: they only reach out when they want something from you, information, a favor or a ride. you’re a convenience, not a friend.
• red flag 3: they make you feel small or gaslight you into thinking your feelings aren’t valid.
• red flag 4: they literally cannot let you have a “win.” if you get an a, they got an a+. if you brought a cute bag, theirs was more expensive. it’s EXHAUSTING!
• red flag 5: using your vulnerability as social currency, if they take something you said that was supposed to be kept between you and then use that to tell other people to gain friends or conversation topics.

~ ♡ the ACTUAL audit ♡ ~

okay this is the longest section, why? because this is the part where we get reallyyy detailed. i want you to take a piece of paper, or your digital notebook (like notion), and list every person you consider a “close” friend. now, we’re going to put them through three specific tests + more things to know and do.

• crisis response test: think back to a time when things were literally falling apart for you. like a breakup, a bad grade, or a family issue. who was there? who texted you ever day to check in? who showed up with snacks and a hug?
• if they only show up for the “party” moments but disappear when things get “dark,” they are a peripheral friend, NOT a core friend.
• the text thread test: open your messages. look at the last five conversations. is it a 50/50 split of effort? or are you the one always initiating, always double-texting, and always carrying the conversation?
• a friendship is a two-way street. if you stopped texting first, would you ever hear from them again? honestly? if the answer is no, you have your answer.
• the “growth” test: tell them about a small win you had recently. something you are proud of. watch their face. do their eyes light up? do they ask questions? or do they quickly change the subject to themselves.
• real friends are your biggest cheerleaders. if they can’t be happy for you, they don’t deserve a seat at your table.

now, something i found important in my friendships, is actually knowing if the friendship is mutual, or if im performing a role. we tend to unintentionally find ourselves in roles in relationships. when it’s supposed to be mutual, common grounds, and honestly giving the same effort, and same actions and doings equally.

are you the listener, fixer, supporter? and also ask yourself if these friends of yours ask about your inner world? or just updates? friends WANT to know you internally, not just all your external achievements or drama. if you find you friends always acting strange, or “punishing” you in a sense, every time you disagree with something they have to say. that’s also a red flag too.

• anytime you shrink, soften or simplify yourself around them, that means internally, your soul, your mind and body are not fully comfortable with them. blocking out who you truly are around them is a problem.
• editing your intelligence, dulling your ambition, muting your emotions, apologizing for existing. THAT IS NOT A FRIENDSHIP! that’s a role.

~ ♡ categorize your circle ♡ ~

now everyone deserves the same level of access to you. spencer had her family, her liars, and then everyone else. you NEED to categorize your friends, so you know how much energy to give them.

• category a “the “liars” (your core circle)
  • these are your 1-3 people. they know everything. they support your dreams. they tell you the truth even when it hurts. you would do anything for them, and they would do the exact same for you.
  • i really recommend 1-3 people. nothing more. the reason why is anything more than 3 can be quite overwhelming. a small number of people is WAYYY more promising than 6 people in your core circle. TOO MUCH!
  • pour 80% of your social energy here.
• category b the “calebs and tobys” (trusted allies)
  • these are great friends who might not be in the “inner-inner” circle but are consistent, kind, and trustworthy. you might not tell them your deepest secrets, but you love spending time with them.
  • keep these conversations warm and healthy.
• category c the “rosewood high” (your acquaintances)
  • people you are friendly with in class or at work. you have fun together, but there’s no deep emotional connection.
  • keep it light + casual. do NOT overshare
• category d the “a-team” (toxic/draining)
  • these are the people who failed the tests in the previous section and overall have negative qualities on you and your life. they bring drama, jealousy, and negativity into your life.

~ ♡ how to let go ♡ ~

this is the hardest part, letting go of friends is so painful, even if you know they’re bad for you. but you HAVE to protect yourself and your aura.

• if they aren’t “evil” but just draining, you can use the slow approach. stop being the one to initiate. keep your replies polite but short. eventually, the friendship will naturally drift apart without a dramatic scene. it’s the most “aria” way to handle things, quiet but still artistic in a sense.
• if someone has truly hurt you or crossed a boundary, you owe it to yourself to speak up. “i’ve been doing some reflecting and i feel like our friendship isn’t really aligned anymore. i need to focus on my own peace rn, so i’m going to take some space.” you don’t need to explain any further. “no.” is a full sentence
• if they’re truly toxic or acting like “a,” you have permission to just cut contact. you don’t owe a predator or a bully your time, or words. just block, delete and focus on the people who actually love you.

~ ♡ being a “liar” (how to be a better friend) ♡ ~

no audit is about looking in the mirror too. would spencer want to be friends with you? would hanna think you’re loyal?

• be the listener. please don’t be the person who just wait for your turn to talk. actually, listen to your friends’ problems.
• if someone trusts you with a secret, it stays with you. period no “just telling one person”
• if your friend has a big exam, send a “good luck” text. if they’re sad, bring them a coffee. small gestures are literally the biggest ways to build lifelong bonds.
• hold your friends accountable. a real friend tells when you’re wrong. if you see your friend making a mistake, tell them gently because you care about them and want them to be better.

~ ♡ maintenance (the weekly check-in) ♡ ~

friendship isn’t a “one and done” thing. it need maintenance.

• check in on your category a friends weekly. how are they actually doing?
• look at your calendar monthly. are you spending too much time with category c people and neglecting your “liars?”
• seasonally i recommend doing a mini audit. has anyone’s behavior changed? do you feel differently about someone.

~ ♡ extra advice and tips from mindy ♡ ~

i couldn’t end this post without giving you some of my personal advice and tips:

• jealousy doesn’t always look like hatred. sometimes it looks life:
  • passive discouragement, “jokes” that undercut you, lack of enthusiasm for your wins, support ONLY when you’re struggling
  • there’s a problem there if they only compare themselves instead of growing themselves. also do they ever get weird when you glow up?
• choose friendships that feel safe, honest, loyal and expansive. there’s always room to improve.
• you are not obligated to drag people into versions of life they refuse to grow toward.

~ ♡ final thoughts ♡ ~

your life is too precious to spend it with people who don’t see your light. rosewood was a scary place because the girls didn’t know who to trust. your life doesn’t have to be like that. by doing this audit you’re actually clearing out the bad energy and make room for the real, sweet, and supportive friendships you deserve.

i hope this guide helps you create the most beautiful + loyal circle ever!! remember to take care of yourself + keep your secrets safe with the right people.

xoxo, mindy 🤍